Rating Santa Emojis, By How Much I Want to Fuck Them
I want to fuck Santa.
He’s the most generous sugar daddy of them all. He graciously gives gifts, he loves good food, he’s a great listener, and he can also fuck like a beast. You think someone with that many hot elves only tumbles with Mrs. Claus?
In reality, he’s usually an older unemployed guy who lives near a shitty mall and gets paid minimum wage to deal with kids all day. That sounds exhausting and soul-destroying, and I feel bad for all the Santas out there.
In honour of the tireless work Santa — real or imagined — gives us to fulfil our Christmas fantasies, below I discuss which Santa emojis I want to fuck.
thanks for tolerating me
Santa knows you’ve been a naughty boy and wants you to slide onto his North Pole. He’ll make you suck his candy cane. He’ll strap you in a harness and ride you until he’s deposited all his presents inside your ho ho hole.
The Facebook Santa isn’t handsome per se but is a wholesome and supportive daddy. He’s just as likely to fill you with his freshly baked cookies as he is to fill you with his milk. He’s all about the post-sex connection. Great vibes.
This Santa is just someone’s dad trying to keep it low-down and discreet. No tinsel strings attached. He has a wife who doesn’t know he’s secretly donning the red suit and sitting all the guys on his lap. Hot, in a flawed kind of way.
Absolute pro. He will climb down your chimney hole and he fits perfectly. Leave him something under the tree and he’ll fill your stockings all the way. Tell him your deepest, darkest Christmas wishes and he’ll make them true.
There’s something off about this Santa. He’s the guy that makes it weird. One minute you’re making polite conversation, the next he’s asking you if you want to put on costumes and be his little elf slave. Just a little too strong.
I’ve seen the real deal and this dude isn’t Santa Claus. He’s the Santa you see at a second-rate strip mall: almost the same but not quite. Just a little too smooth, a little too artificial. Not a convincing Santa at all. Disappointing.
Christmas may be about spreading joy and cheer, but all this Santa spreads is antibiotic-resistant gonorrhoea. Don’t be fooled by his pleasant demeanour. He absolutely is willing to fuck everyone over. He started the naughty list.
Like Christmas, this Santa cums once a year, but when he does, it’s mind-blowing. Likes it both ways too so he’ll let you rummage in his sack if you want. Can bring an elf or two over if you give him enough notice.
They call older guys in the bear scene ‘polar bears’. This guy’s absolutely built like one. There is absolutely no doubt that he whips off his top and there’s a lush forest of snow white growth there. His pubes must be seen to be believed.
This is the Santa equivalent of seeing a blank profile on Grindr. No insight into his personality or his interests. Those cold, empty eyes could mask nothing but plain mediocrity, or the mindset of a complete psychopath. Avoid.